(Chapter 5) Interviewing the Beatles

Fictional interviews of the Beatles, filled with humor and sarcasm. Everything slashy is joking. Set around 1964.

5th interview: "The Shameless Beatles"

INTERVIEWER: Fifth interview! You guys are giving me much more money than I could have expected! Fans love these interviews!

RINGO: And you're getting rich for sitting there listening to us talking about random shit.

JOHN: Ugh! Can you two stop it, please?

INTERVIEWER: You're talking to me?

JOHN: No! With Harrison and McCartney! Can't you see how they are flirting with their eyes?

RINGO: You're overreacting, Lennie.

JOHN: I'm not! Paul's not suppose to giggle like that when looking at George! That's something he does with me and only ME!

RINGO: Maybe he changed his mind…

JOHN: JAMES PAUL McCARTNEY!

PAUL: You said something, John?

JOHN: Don't pretend you didn't hear me!

GEORGE: Oh, you see… Paulie was relating me a hilarious joke…

JOHN: Joke? I'm the one who does the jokes here!

GEORGE: You're so funny, right Macca?

PAUL: You're so cute Georgie! You should be the cute Beatle, not me!

GEORGE: How adorable, darling…

JOHN: Uggghhhh! Stop it! Bloody queers…

RINGO: You're the bloody jealous queer, John…

JOHN: How can I not be jealous? Look at them!

INTERVIEWER: I have a marvelous idea; let's start the interview, for God's sake!

RINGO: I think that's fair…

INTERVIEWER: Do you plan doing gigs in Latin America?

RINGO: We don't really know. We tour in the places our manager wants to meet.

JOHN: Don't ask questions about business here!

GEORGE: They plan it all and we have to agree with everything.

PAUL: This interview is getting boring…

GEORGE: I could amuse you if you want, Macca…

PAUL: How are you going to do so?

RINGO: John is right! You two are annoying me! I'm used to John and Paul being queer with each other… But you two?

PAUL: You're jealous too?

RINGO: Me? Jealous?

PAUL: Gee, everybody's trying to be my baby, everybody's trying to be my baby, everybody's trying to be my baby now…

JOHN: You're a bitch, Paul!

INTERVIEWER: Hey! Watch the language Lennon! There are kids watching this!

PAUL: Yeah, watch it Lennon!

JOHN: And those kids swear more than I do, for sure!

RINGO: I bet it's hard to find someone who swears more than you.

JOHN: Can you shut up, Starkey? I thought you were by my side!

GEORGE: No one's by your side now…

JOHN: I hate you all!

GEORGE: I wanna be your lover Paulie, I wanna be your man. I wanna be your lover baby, I wanna be your man…

PAUL: Love you like no other Georgie, like no other can. Love you like no other baby, I wanna be your man…

RINGO: George wants to be Paul's man, John claims to be Paul's man…

INTERVIEWER: I need to ask you more questions! So… When was the last time you cry?

JOHN: John Lennon never cries.

PAUL: Actually, John Lennon cried yesterday when Ringo accidentally hit him with a drumstick.

JOHN: That's not true!

RINGO: It is true… But I understand… My drumsticks hit hard…

GEORGE: How can a drumstick hit someone hard?

JOHN: You shut up! I hate you, I fucking hate you!

GEORGE: I will take good care of Paulie for you…

RINGO: You better shut up before John kills you, George…

JOHN: And I wasn't the only one who cried yesterday!

RINGO: Paul cried watching some crappy romantic movie…

PAUL: How can you say Breakfast at Tiffany's is crappy?

INTERVIEWER: For once I agree with you, I love that movie! For a costume party, I dressed as Holly, with the long black gloves and everything!

PAUL: Yes, it's amazing! But I didn't cry!

GEORGE: Yes you cried Paulie… Fortunately, you had me to snuggle with…

JOHN: He had ME to snuggle with! You didn't even watch the movie because you were goofing with Ringo!

RINGO: Jealousy is going to kill you…

JOHN: The world is treating me bad, misery…

GEORGE: John lost Paul now for sure…

RINGO: John won't see George no more…

JOHN: It's gonna be a drag… misery…

PAUL: I'll remember all the little things we'd done…

JOHN: Can't he see he'll always be the only one, only one... Send Paul back to me, 'cause everyone can see…

PAUL: Without me John will be in misery…

JOHN: I'll remember all the little things we've done. He'll remember and he'll miss his only one, lonely one…

RINGO: I knew somehow this would end with John and Paul singing together… again.

JOHN: And that's the way things are supposed to be!

GEORGE: Paulie, just one more thing boy, you give back your ring to me, and I will set you free, go with John…

JOHN: YOU HEARD HIM PAUL, STOP PLAYING AND COME WITH ME!

PAUL: Alright jealous boy…

RINGO: Wait, what? McLennon back again?

GEORGE: McLennon?

RINGO: Yes, it's how I call them. Sounds nice, right?

GEORGE: What about McHarrison?

JOHN: NO.

GEORGE: We were playing, just because we wanted to see you act all jealousy.

JOHN: Paul! Don't ever do that again… Not to Johnny…

PAUL: Paulie promises not doing something like that to Johnny again. But Johnny has to promise he'll shower every day.

JOHN: But Johnny doesn't need to shower every day!

PAUL: If Johnny doesn't shower every day, then he won't get to sleep with Paulie every night…

JOHN: Paulie is being mean to Johnny, but Johnny promises to shower almost every day.

RINGO: Stop talking like toddlers! I change my opinion back, I think George and Paul were more bearable.

INTERVIEWER: I didn't understand the shower thing.

GEORGE: Paul is the only one that showers every day.

RINGO: He showers twice a day.

GEORGE: He'd shower thrice if he could.

JOHN: We're lazy and sometimes we don't have time to shower, and that upsets Paul and his meticulousness.

GEORGE: But in our first time in Hamburg I think none of us ever showered.

RINGO: How could we? We were in a tiny room with a cheap bunk bed inside a club, and it only had ladies' bathroom!

PAUL: I showered in the ladies' bathroom whenever I could.

RINGO: Pervert.

GEORGE: With that baby face you could pass for a girl…

RINGO: But how can you hide his thing?

JOHN: We all tried to sneak in the ladies' bathroom, but the girls would always throw us out thinking we wanted to see them while showering.

RINGO: Which in part was true…

PAUL: But all I wanted was to fucking shower!

JOHN: Those Hamburg times with Preludin…

INTERVIEWER: What's that?

GEORGE: Preludin? Some pill that can keep you up for days.

INTERVIEWER: Like an illegal drug?

PAUL: No, no, we're totally legal! We haven't taken weed or anything like that…

JOHN: Yeah… Who needs Cannabis? Clearly none of us…

INTERVIEWER: Cannabis?

JOHN: The scientific name of marijuana. See? I told ye I was the smart Beatle!

RINGO: You're more likely to be the jealous Beatle.

GEORGE: Anyway… We haven't taken any drugs!

PAUL: Why are we talking about drugs that we are clearly not taking? Next question!

INTERVIEWER: Okaay… Do you―

GEORGE: Want to know a secret?

JOHN, PAUL AND RINGO: Doo-da-doo...

INTERVIEWER: Stop singing. And since we're talking about secrets, why don't you share one with us?

JOHN: A secret is something you hide from others because you don't want to know or find out. Why should we share a secret with you and the rest of the world?

GEORGE: We have actually said more than we should…

RINGO: Like in the third interview when we talked about our first shag…

PAUL: That was in the second, not the third.

RINGO: Whatever, my sense of memory stinks.

PAUL: Just as you all stink when you don't shower.

GEORGE: I didn't shower today and I don't smell bad.

JOHN: And that's the magic of the cologne!

PAUL: You're disgusting.

RINGO: I didn't shower; I took a long bubbling bath.

PAUL: Me too!

GEORGE: So you two bathed together?

RINGO: NO! That's John's job, not mine…

JOHN: Johnny promises to take a bath every day if Paulie takes it with him.

PAUL: Paulie likes Johnny's idea.

GEORGE: No! Don't talk like that again!

JOHN: Georgie dislikes how Johnny and Paulie talk?

GEORGE: Georgie dislikes it very much…

RINGO: Ringsy wants to know why Georgie is playing along with Paulie and Johnny…

INTERVIEWER: Well, if you don't want to share a secret, share something else.

GEORGE: I'm―

PAUL: Hungry?

GEORGE: Yes! How did you know?

PAUL: How could I possibly not know?

JOHN: I do have something to share! Paul and I are getting married!

PAUL: Wait, what?

JOHN: And George and Ringo are going to be the best-men!

PAUL: I think weddings only have one best-man…

JOHN: Then we're going to have two!

GEORGE: Is queer marriage legal?

RINGO: I don't think it is…

JOHN: Paul is going to be the most beautiful bride ever!

PAUL: I don't want to be the bride! I am a lad!

JOHN: But I can't be the bride!

GEORGE: Paul is the bride!

PAUL: If I have to be the bride I don't want to get married!

JOHN: But you'll get to wear a pretty dress! And you don't need fake eyelashes because yours are long enough!

RINGO: Paulie has long eyelashes, a girly face and cries like a girl!

PAUL: We can both be grooms!

JOHN: Alright…

PAUL: That's a yes?

JOHN: Only because I love you, princess.

PAUL: Don't call me princess!

JOHN: But you're my princess!

GEORGE: You forgot about a little detail…

JOHN: What?

GEORGE: You're already married.

RINGO: Cynthia Powell. Remember?

JOHN: Oh, but Cyn doesn't care!

GEORGE: We should get Cyn and Jane to be at one interview and see what they think about those two acting queer.

PAUL: Only Cyn and Jane? Why not Pattie and Maureen too?

RINGO: The eight of us in one interview? The interviewer is going to get crazy!

GEORGE: I think that if the girls are here, they won't act queer because they would be ashamed.

RINGO: But they are shameless!

JOHN: We're shameless!

RINGO: See? They are shameless and they're proud of it.

GEORGE: We are shameless too!

RINGO: The shameless Beatles!

JOHN: That could be a good name for the band! 'The Shameless Beatles'

PAUL: Remember when we were 'The Silver Beetles'?

GEORGE: What a stupid childish name…

PAUL: Not as stupid as 'Johnny and the Moondogs'

JOHN: 'Johnny and the Moondogs' was great!

PAUL: 'Paulie and the Moondogs' woul've been greater.

RINGO: Fortunately, I joined when they were already 'The Beatles'

INTERVIEWER: Whose idea was to be named 'The Beatles'?

JOHN: Mine!

GEORGE: It was Stu's.

JOHN: Well, 50% me, 50% Stu, alright?

INTERVIEWER: Who's Stu?

PAUL: He used to be the bassist of The Beatles and a terrific painter. He was in Art College with John.

INTERVIEWER: And what happened?

RINGO: He died.

INTERVIEWER: Oh… I'm sorry…

JOHN: He was a good friend…

PAUL: Yeah…

GEORGE: Shut up Paul, you kind of hated him…

PAUL: I didn't hate him!

JOHN: You were jealous of my friendship with him.

PAUL: But he was big and in college with you! I was still little and in grammars school…

GEORGE: We were all horrible with him…

JOHN: Sometimes we'd just say 'You can't sit with us.', so it was Paul, George and me joking together, and him alone in one side.

PAUL: One day I got in a fight with him right on the stage.

GEORGE: And everyone in the public was shouting, 'FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! HIT HIM!'

JOHN: But I was really sad by his death and us all, or at least I miss him.

RINGO: I never really knew him well… But he looked like a nice kid…

INTERVIEWER: That's a sad story…! Oh well, I think this interview is over…

RINGO: Bye bye!

JOHN: I'm looking forward to my bath with Paul tonight…

PAUL: And we have to begin planning the wedding!

GEORGE: Bye everyone! We shall repeat the same as always: don't take this too serious please!